Posts tagged life

I have too much going on. Dealing with school and work is so stressful. When Im not at school, Im at work. On top of that I have to deal with this whole moving into a new apartment and also having no electricity. I have no time to breath, no time to do work, no time to think, no time to sleep. I am reaching the breaking point. 

My day off isnt until Saturday. I dont know if I can last till then and keep my sanity. I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack. 

I just want to freeze time and catch up with my life. 

Since everything is in this constant suck mode where nothing seems to go as planned it really worries me about this summer. 

My mind fills up with self-doubts and and just doubts in general and it makes me want to give up already. 

I have no idea what to do. 

I’m heading blind down a path thats either screwing me over or going to be good for me. 

All these signs point to screwing me over. 

Things just keep popping up and I can only take them as hints for whats to come. 

Please baby Jesus, let things turn out how they are supposed to. I could really use some help. Things maybe worse then they appear. 

• I got “hired” to work as PA in the make up department for a production that is happening during spring break. It doesn’t pay but I’m really excited for it!
• I got another editing job (doesn’t pay either) but it for someone outside of school so hopefully it will get me out of the free work zone. Plus they say that I have some freedom while editing it so it shouldn’t be too bad.
• Also a friend of mine said she needs some graphic design work done for her work and she would be able to pay me a bit for it. Its not that much but I’ll take what I can get. 
• Came to a consensus about what is going on with my computer. It’s going to become a stay home computer and I’m going to hook it up to a monitor to work on. Its going to be so weird but whatever. I’ll get what I can get.
• And the best news I’ve heard all day is that I got a 88% on my political science test that I was studying my butt off for. Its not an A but I’ll love it just as if it was one. I got perfect scores on the essays (which is what I was mainly focusing on) but the multiple choice and fill in the blank is where I really messed up. Plus he gave up an extra ten points! I’m satisfied.

Now to get tons and tons of work done!

Feel like crap because life likes to kick you in the head every time something is supposed to be good. 

Why can’t I just be happy with what I have?

Why do I want more than this?

No one will fully understand what I’m going through.

Now hes taking a sparkle shower. 

What am I supposed to do now?

I wrote the title for this intending to rant on about how Im so frustrated with the financial aspect of me going to SVA and how the lack of support from my mom is really causing a toll on me but when I went to write it no words could come out. I just felt angry and like I wanted to ball my fist up and punch something. Even as I write this I feel like Im going to cry and well I am. 

I went from coming home from hanging out with Alex, happy and optimistic like maybe I can attend a really good school. A school that I thought I would never have a chance to go to but as soon as I started talking with my mother about it everything went downhill.

I know her intentions are good but she lacks in support and just faith. She doesnt believe that its possible for me to take out enough loans for school because I dont have a good job or whatever. So basically, to put it in simple terms, shes crushing my hopes that I might have a chance at going to this school BEFORE I even try looking at my options THEN she bashes me on how I suck at life ie. how I dont have a good stable job and how I should have been looking at this weeks ago. 

Its just total bullshit. She says she is supportive and she is passionate about me going to the school but she just comes off as… unwilling to even try. The way she talks about me trying to find ways to afford the school is like its not even worth trying because she seems like she knows she is 100% sure that the banks or whatever wont give me loans. 

Im just sick of this. This is taking so much out of me. All this issues with the school just makes me doubt myself not only my talent in the area but just me as a person in general. I feel like Im not good enough to go to this school and that everyone that goes there is rich and extremely talented. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t even try because I will end up failing anyways. Im no good and just digging my own ditch. I deserve to go to a comunity college, I deserve to nothing better than who I am. 

I knew deep down that this was too good to be true. Maybe my mom is right. Maybe its good that she is breaking my heart first before anyone else can. When they do she’ll probably just look at me like she knew she was right all along. My parents are not ones I can talk about this openly with. Alex’s parents? No problem. My parents fucking nightmare. They are so close minded about taking a chance with my life that they are sure that they are right and think I should just settle and go for the school I can afford which EARTH TO PARENTS I CANT AFFORD ANY FUCKING SCHOOL. IM FUCKING POOR. No matter where I go I am going to be taking out a bajillion amounts of loans to be unhappy.

I need an expert to sort out my life. I am incapable of doing it. I really wish I had help with this from someone who knew what they were talking about. 

Im sorry if none of this made sense. Emotional crying writing usually never does. Look, I ended up ranting after all.